Time for Me to Fly
by LadyKnight333
Summary: chapter 5. Six months after the King summoned Alanna back to the palace, George shows up and it’s decision making time for Alanna…
1. Default Chapter

Time for Me to Fly  
  
Who ever said being the Queen of Tortall would make a girl happy?  
  
  
  
The Queen of Tortall sat alone on her throne in the Great Throne Room. It was a marvelous throne, really. Cast in gold and silver, the chair was covered with ornate etchings and studded jewels of all kinds. She remembered very clearly the first time she sat upon it. It had been a grand day, her coronation as Queen. All her friends had been there, cheering her- except for George, of course.  
  
Jon had at her side, pride and love shining in his eyes, warming her to her very soul. The Queen smiled at the memory. Such hopes, such dreams. Had she really been that young once? Looking at the chair to her right, her smile turned to a frown. The Kings throne. Slightly forward of hers and a bit higher, the throne sat empty. As usual. Briefly, she wondered where the King was.  
  
I've been around for you  
  
I've been up and down for you  
  
But I just can't get any relief  
  
She didn't care where he was, just that as he wasn't here. Off with some simpering courtier or hunting or gallivanting around the kingdom. Anywhere but with her. Anything but living up to his responsibilities.  
  
I've swallowed my pride for you  
  
I've lived and lied for you  
  
But you still make me feel like a thief  
  
You got me stealin' your love away  
  
'Cause you never give it  
  
The Queen shifted her weight, trying to find comfort under the heavy yards of material that made up her gown. A dress that cost more than many made in a lifetime, she knew. She would rather leave it off for a lighter, more sensible dress or even breeches, but had learned long ago that a Queen dressed to befit her station. The dress weighed on her heavily, adding to the strain she already carried. She wondered if it would all still be worth it if the King were there. There was a time in her life when that was all that mattered, when she would have done anything for him. Because he needed her. Needed her to be with him, to guide him, to love him. Now that no longer seemed to amuse him, or even keep his interest.  
  
Peeling the years away  
  
And we can't relive it  
  
I make you laugh  
  
And you make me cry  
  
I believe it's time for me to fly  
  
She'd given it all up. Everything. For him. And now, she wondered just what had happened. What happened to them? When had Jon become the King and not Jon? When had she started thinking of herself the Queen, and where was Alanna? She wondered when had she given up all the things that made her Alanna. Not all at once, she was sure. It had happened slowly. So slowly that one night she went to bed Alanna and woke up the Queen.  
  
You said we'd work it out  
  
You said that you had no doubt  
  
That deep down we were really in love  
  
Oh, she'd told him of her discontent. He knew how unhappy she was, and a first, he comforted her. Told her she just needed time to adjust, and she'd believed him. Told her that he loved her and that it would all work out. Now, four years later she had grown from a girl into a Queen, and learned more than she ever thought possible: about people and countries, about armadas, legions, and wars. Everything a King would know and more. Right now, however, the chief lesson on her mind was that she had not adjusted at all. And she was tired.  
  
Oh, but I'm tired of holding on  
  
To a feeling I know is gone  
  
I do believe that I've had enough  
  
I've had enough of the falseness  
  
Of a worn out relation  
  
Enough of the jealousy  
  
And the interrelation  
  
More than tired. She was fed up. With the King's callousness, of being ignored and most of all, fed up with letting other people run her life. Angry with herself and everyone around her. How could they let things turn out this way? How could she? Anger cascaded through her at the unfairness of it all. For all that they couldn't stand to be in the same room, the King and Queen still had responsibilities. More than that, the people needed their Queen. Clenching her jaw, Alanna cut off her thoughts. No. She could no longer let that excuse keep her here. She had been a good Queen, fair and just, but by no means was she the greatest. She did her people little good now a days, when the King did everything in his power to spite her, no matter how many people go hurt. Dimly, Alanna remembered that she always hated being useless.  
  
I make you laugh  
  
And you make me cry  
  
I believe it's time for me to fly  
  
Time for me to fly  
  
Th Queen stood suddenly. It was time. Long past time. She had to go. Now. Right now, or she would never get away. The weight of the gown pulled at her, however, and she almost sat back down. Closing her eyes, she pooled her strength and left the Great Throne Room for the last time. Swiftly, the Queen moved towards her suites, waving servants away. She felt a great weight lift from her as she tore off the dress and threw it into the corner. Now that her course was set, joy and fear ran through her. Joy at the taste of freedom; fear at the thought of the unknown. She had not been left to her own thought in the last four years, much less on her own.  
  
Oh, I've got to set myself free  
  
Time for me to fly  
  
And that's just how it's got to be  
  
She found four bags in the back of her closet, packed full and ready. She'd packed them three months ago in a panic, sure in the fact that this place was slowly eating her soul. Sanity had prevailed then, however, and she hadn't run. She did not unpack the bags, either. Just stored them away, laughing at her silliness. After all, where would she go? What would she do? Still, the Queen began pouring over maps and cleaning her old gear. She began to ride astride and to drill with weapons she hadn't even seen in years. All in privet, of course, because she wasn't going anywhere.  
  
I know it hurts to say goodbye  
  
But it's time for me to fly  
  
Oh, don't you know it's  
  
Time for me to fly  
  
She waited until dusk fell to saddle her mare. Stefan probably watched her but she knew that he would neither help nor hinder her. It would have meant his job either way. She packed quickly but carefully, going over the list of her supplies in her head. She had taken almost nothing that hadn't belonged to her four years before. Using her Gift to lull the guard at a smaller gate to sleep, she walked her mare to the city gates, trying to avoid suspicion. Mounting, she scanned the countryside and had to contain a shout of euphoria: Alanna was out there somewhere and, by the Goddess, she was going to find her.  
  
Oh, I've got to set myself free  
  
Time for me to fly  
  
And that's just how it's got to be  
  
As full dark fell over the capital city of Corus, a lone hooded figure rode away from the palace. A single figure took notice of her departure. Smiling, the tall man released the messenger bird that had arrived just a few moments before.  
  
It's time for me to fly. 


	2. The Heart of the Matter

The Heart Of The Matter  
  
Don Henley  
  
The King of Tortall sat on his throne, completely alone. The room was packed full of people celebrating and dancing, but the King was alone. The guest gossiped and whispered behind their fans, chattering about the Queens latest scandal. According to the latest rumor, she had mysteriously disappeared on some mission and had yet to return. The King knew, however. Knew that she wasn't on a mission. She was gone. Gone from him for good, if his informants were correct. Distantly, the King felt an odd feeling in his chest and tried to define the sensation. It was a numb kind of emptiness. Distantly, he recalled that the feeling was of pain born of loss.  
  
I got the word today, I didn't want to hear  
  
But I knew that it would come  
  
An old, true friend of ours was talking to me  
  
He said you'd found someone  
  
The King understood why the Queen had given up her crown. That didn't bother him, really. What bothered him was that Alanna was gone. That and the fact that George Cooper was with her. None of this surprised him, but it still hurt. She wasn't coming back. At first he hadn't even cared that she'd gone. Been relieved, really. Oh, his pride had been a bit tattered, but relief had been the chief emotion. That was six months ago. Now, things looked much different. He missed her in a way he never would have though possible.  
  
And I thought of all the bad luck  
  
And the struggles we went through  
  
And how I lost me and you lost you  
  
He wasn't sure when it had happened or how. The first two years had been spectacular. Together, they had done more good in the kingdom then any other royal couple in history. Then it had changed. She got temperamental, refusing to bend or change. She didn't want to wear gowns, didn't want to stay at the palace-wanted to ride into battle!-and refused to have children so young. They had been at odds constantly over everything from her lack of diplomacy to his indecision to act. It had come to the point that he couldn't even speak to her, his guilt and anger making it impossible for him to even look at her. The King winced inwardly at the memories.  
  
What are these voices outside love's open door  
  
Make us throw off our contentment  
  
And beg for something more?  
  
Anger snaked through him. Why had she refused to settle? Why couldn't she have just been happy? She had everything a girl could want. The King closed his eyes briefly, wondering when he'd forgotten the fact that Alanna had never been a normal girl.  
  
I'm learning to live without you now  
  
But I miss you sometimes  
  
And the more I know, the less I understand  
  
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again  
  
He missed her. Truthfully, he had missed her for a long time but hadn't known how to find her. The woman he fell in love with seemed to disappear, crushed under the weight of being the Queen. A Queen that he didn't like very much, but he'd accepted it, for it was the way of things, or so he was told.  
  
I've been tryin' to get down  
  
To the heart of the matter  
  
But my will gets weak  
  
And my thoughts seem to scatter  
  
But I think it's about forgiveness  
  
Forgiveness  
  
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore  
  
The King clenched his jaw against the urge to hurl his goblet of wine across the room. He'd done wrong by her. Worse than that, he knew it and done nothing about it. She'd told him she was unhappy and he'd done nothing! He could see her wilting away and just stood by. It was so easy just to avoid the problem. There was always something other problem for the King to take attend to, and so the problems were never fixed. He took the attitude that affairs of the state were more important of affairs of the heart and in doing so, he had not only wronged her, he'd lost her.  
  
These times are so uncertain  
  
There's a yearning undefined  
  
And people filled with rage  
  
We all need a little tenderness  
  
How can love survive in such a graceless age?  
  
The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness  
  
They're the very things we kill, I guess  
  
He'd been a coward. Let other people come between his better judgment. Given his time to less important things, slowly cutting her off from him. What else could he do? Alanna had always taken care of herself, hadn't she? She didn't need him, did she? She wouldn't accept his help. When had he let himself be convinced that his love for her was something to be embarrassed of?  
  
Pride and competition  
  
Cannot fill these empty arms  
  
And the work I put between us  
  
You know, it doesn't keep me warm  
  
Now the fruits of his labor had proved disastrous. As if the Gods heard his prayers, Alanna had come back, sure enough. She came back, took one look around, packed up and left. Not that he blamed her. He had left her alone, to the merciless couriers, with no one to lean on. While he wrapped himself up in ruling the county, the most important thing in his life slipped away.  
  
I'm learning to live without you now  
  
But I miss you, baby  
  
And the more I know, the less I understand  
  
All the things I thought I'd figured out  
  
I have to learn again  
  
Now that she was gone, he saw what an impact she had on his life. Everything was wrong but for the first time he had no idea how to make it right. Only until after she was gone did he realize what he'd done or how much he needed her.  
  
I've been trying to get down  
  
To the heart of the matter  
  
But everything changes  
  
And my friends seem to scatter  
  
But I think it's about forgiveness  
  
Forgiveness  
  
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore  
  
The King rose from his throne suddenly. Ignoring the whispers of the crowd he walked out onto the balcony to get some air. Hadn't he been the one to rush her into marriage? Hadn't he been the one to promise her that everything would work out for the best? Who had he been fooling? Alanna was not meant to be tied down for so long. Worse, he had broken every vow he'd ever made her. As both her husband and her King.  
  
Gripping the railing of the balcony with white knuckles, he thought of the note she had left him. Short and to the point (very Alanna like) Jon had committed the four line letter to memory:  
  
"There are people in your life who've come and gone  
  
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride  
  
You better put it all behind you, Jon. Because life goes on  
  
You keep carrying that anger, it'll eat you up inside."  
  
Now he was lost. What could he do? It wasn't as if he could let her go. She was the Queen and an heir essential. The king looked down at his hands as realization struck him: even if he could let her go, he would not. By the Gods, it he may have wronged her but he would not let her go this way. He had made to many mistakes already, turned a blind eye to her to many times to ignore her now. He would not let her go. Could not let her go.  
  
"Be honest with yourself, Jon." He said to the empty night, voice harsh. "You love her. Still. No matter how hard you try to deny it, you're still hopelessly in love with her. And you've got much to make up to her."  
  
I've been trying to get down  
  
To the heart of the matter  
  
But my will gets weak  
  
And my thoughts seem to scatter  
  
But I think it's about forgiveness  
  
Forgiveness  
  
Even if, even if you don't love me  
  
What could he do? She was gone, seeing the right of things before he had. He wouldn't force her in this. He wouldn't call for her or make her come back until she was ready. He'd give her all the room she need to think things through and then go to her. Tell her how wrong he had been.  
  
I've been tryin' to get down  
  
To the heart of the matter  
  
Because the flesh will get weak  
  
And the ashes will scatter  
  
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness  
  
Forgiveness  
  
Jon's heart thudded painfully as he caught sight of a certain bench, half- hidden by garden brambles. He hadn't remembered that bench until that moment. He breathed deeply, trying to remain outwardly calm as regret slammed over him.  
  
Even if, even if you don't love me,  
  
Take your time, Alanna, he thought. I can't come after you, but I'll be here when you decide to come home. If I must wait the rest of my life I will. We have unfinished business, you and I. It doesn't matter how I do it, just that I did. I have to tell you these things. I have to try.  
  
"Even if." Jon rasped painfully, "...even if you don't love me anymore." 


	3. A Thousand Years

Chapter 3, with corrections. Alanna has given up the crown and the King isn't the only one that wants her back. SongFic again, A Thousand Years, by Sting. Characters aren't mine.   
  
  
George Cooper stepped into the tavern named The Rooster Craw. Taking no notice of the snow dusting his cloak or the mud on his boots, he examined the pub, eyes searching. His sources said that Alanna had come to the small province of Juris when word of attacking raiders had reached her. George didn't need his informants to know she was still here. Alanna was near. He knew she was, could feel it with an absolute certainty.  
  
A thousand years, a thousand more,   
A thousand times a million doors to eternity   
I may have lived a thousand lives, a thousand times  
An endless turning stairway climbs to a tower of souls   
  
His hazel eyes moved left and locked with blazing amethyst. She had seen him of course, her eyes wide with realization and surprise. She sat opposite the door for the exact purpose of seeing every one that entered. It was a very Alanna like thing to do. George couldn't help himself. He smiled. It was a slow smile, born from his deep joy of seeing her again. The real Alanna, that is. The Alanna that he hadn't seen in two years. The Alanna that left the palace and the crown so that she might be true to herself. The Alanna that George loved with all that he was. Emotion flickered through her eyes and she looked away from him into the fire, but not before George saw her sudden intake of breath or the blush on her cheeks.   
  
If it takes another thousand years, a thousand wars,   
The towers rise to numberless floors in space  
I could shed another million tears, a million breaths,  
A million names but only one truth to face  
  
George examined her intently as he approached her, cataloging all the changes. He moved slowly, careful not to startle her. She had cut her hair short since leaving the palace. More than anything he saw that she was alive. Really alive. For the first time since winning her shield she had that bright burning flame of life that drew so many to her.   
  
A million roads, a million fears  
A million suns, ten million years of uncertainty   
I could speak a million lies, a million songs,  
A million rights, a million wrongs in this balance of time  
  
By the time he reached her, Alanna was standing, glaring at him. As was very much his darling's nature when she was afraid or uncertain, Alanna had retreated to anger.  
"You," she hissed, eyes smoldering, "are out of your mind."   
His smile grew even wider, hazel eyes dancing merrily. "I've been told."  
It was obviously not what she had expected him to say. Unable to help herself, she smiled back at him, her eyes full of emotion: happiness, fear, expectancy and, George knew, even if she was afraid to admit it, love. His heart was filled near to bursting with all the emotion she conjured up in him. It was all he could do to just stand there and not touch her.  
"Come on then." She said quietly, heading toward the stairs. "Keep your hood up. I'd have no one take notice of you."   
  
But if there was a single truth, a single light  
A single thought, a singular touch of grace  
Then following this single point, this single flame,  
The single haunted memory of your face   
  
Her room was on the second story, as he suspected it would be. It was virtually empty, packed bags lay at the foot of her bed. She would be leaving in the morning. As soon as she had thrown the bolt on the door, Alanna rounded on him. "You're out of your mind." She whispered hoarsely.  
"You said that already." He teased.  
One coppery eye brown arched upward. "There is a price on your head."  
"So I've heard." George shrugged, eyes never leaving hers. Anger sparked through George briefly. In his fury, the King had given George's identity over to the Lord Provost. As of yet, George had taken no recourse against the King because he knew nothing he could do would hurt the King more than Alanna's leaving. George knew only to well how much the prideful man must be hurting. George hoped the King choked on his sorrow and regret.   
"Then why are you here?" she demanded. "This is the worst place you could have come!"  
George cupped her cheek gently. "You know why."  
  
I still love you   
I still want you  
A thousand times the mysteries unfold themselves   
Like galaxies in my head  
  
Alanna pulled away from him, breathing hard, eyes showing the war that raged between her heart and mind. "He'll come looking for me." She said flatly. "Maybe not today or next week, but he'll send for me. Even if he doesn't want to, he must."  
"I know." He replied softly.  
"George, if he finds you with me, he might-" Alanna cut herself off, eyes worried.  
"What? Say I kidnapped you?" George laughed, a deep sound that filled the room. "Fear not. Even if he did find us, he wouldn't be so unjust. He may be rash, but he is not unfair."  
Alanna looked at him sharply at the word 'us'.   
  
I may be numberless, I may be innocent   
I may know many things, I may be ignorant   
Or I could ride with kings and conquer many lands  
Or win this world at cards and let it slip my hands   
  
"You've given up the Rogue, then." She said, leaning against the door.  
"Seeing what you gave up, it didn't seem so hard."   
She snorted, "You didn't have a choice!"  
George looked at her seriously, eyes narrowed. "There is always a choice." He replied. "It just happens that I have been prepared to step down for some time now."  
She looked at him, confused. "Why?" She asked.  
He smiled softly. "I was waiting."  
  
I could be cannon food, destroyed a thousand times   
Reborn as fortune's child to judge another's crimes   
Or wear this pilgrim's cloak, or be a common thief   
I've kept this single faith, I have but one belief  
  
She hissed quietly, eyes closing. He watched her silently, heart beating hard in his chest. Finally she said, "You waited."  
He nodded. "As I said I would."  
"For me." She continued, eyes still closed.  
"Aye."  
Her eyes opened slowly, showing the first stirrings of hope. "Why?"  
He smiled again, taking her small hands in his. "Because my feelings haven't changed."  
  
I still love you   
I still want you  
  
Color flooded her cheeks. "I'm married." She said quickly.   
"Aye."  
"I made vows."  
"I know."  
For the fist time she looked steadily in his eyes. "I hurt you."  
George pulled her closer to him. "Yes."  
  
A thousand times the mysteries unfold themselves   
Like galaxies in my head  
On and on the mysteries unwind themselves   
Eternities still unsaid  
  
"George, I don't-" she looked away briefly. "I don't know how I feel anymore. About you, about him."   
"A truth if I've ever heard one." He replied softly, brushing a strand of hair away from her face.  
She looked into his eyes again, her own troubled with guilt and uncertainty. "I can't make any promises."  
"I'd never ask them of you."  
Hope and longing flashed in her eyes. "You'll stay then?"  
He crushed her to him in a massive hug. "I'll stay." He whispered, "I'll stay...."  
  
Until you love me 


	4. Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough

Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough   
  
The Queen gave up her crown. A year later the King summons her back to the palace. Will sparks fly? (the title just might be misleading…) I own nothing…..  
  
Okay. Here is the next chapter. Writers block. Or is it lyrics block? Ah well, I had to punch through it, so hang in there…..  
  
The sound of clashing metal rang out through the fall afternoon. Two figures engaged each other in battle, swords moving almost to fast to follow. A lone figure watched the pair closely, unobserved by the fighters.   
The faster of the two was a smiling red head, small and quick. The other, large steady and sure. Autumn leaves, picked up by the wind, swirled and danced around the pair as they moved back and forth, thrusting and dodging, each pushing the other to their limit. It seemed they were evenly matched, until the red head's movements became to quick to follow. Suddenly the large man's sword was airborne. Plucking it from the air, the red head's laughter filled the meadow. The pair stood still, watching each other intensely. Even from a distance it was easy to tell there was more than friendship between them.  
There were times Gareth of Naxen hated his job, and right now was one of them. Running a hand through his hair, and went to deliver the Queen's Royal Summons.  
  
Four months later:  
  
The sprawling, sparking site of the capital city of Corus was brilliant enough to take ones breath away. A smile touched Alanna's lips as she looked over the city that had been her home for so long. The view of from the palace dais where she stood was exceptional. She could see over the Palace walls into the city itself.  
Alanna grinned, she remembering her fist day in Corus. She had been so amazed! Never in her life had she imagined so many people or colors or smells. The day was unforgettable in itself, never mind that she was going to the palace to become a knight, or that she was going to masquerade as a boy to do it, or that she had met George on that day…  
The smile faded as Alanna's thoughts turned the former King of Thieves. He hadn't returned with her to Corus. Although Jon had issued a Royal pardon for George, there were many young rogues out looking to make a name for themselves. His return would only mean more trouble for Alanna. She missed him, though. His eyes, his laugh, that smile that still made her stomach turn over. Yes. She missed him. More than she should. Turning her face up to the sun, Alanna closed her eyes.  
"You're thinking about him."  
  
I don't wanna lose you,   
I don't wanna use you   
Just to have somebody by my side   
And I don't wanna hate you   
I don't wanna take you   
But I don't wanna be the one to cry   
  
Her heart slammed painfully in her chest. Ignoring her sudden lightheadedness, Alanna resisted the urge to turn around. She had not forgotten the sound of Jon's voice. Even if his voice had not haunted her dreams for the last year, she would know it anywhere. Does his know me so well, she wondered, or is it just that obvious?   
"Hello to you too." she said dryly, crossing her arms over her chest to conceal her shaking hands.  
"You didn't answer me." There was defiantly anger in his voice now. Alanna fought her rising temper. Had she actually been looking forward to seeing him again? They stared at each other of some time, the gap between them almost visible. What was she supposed to say? How dare he be angry at her? Wasn't he the one that left her?  
  
That don't really matter to anyone, anymore   
But like a fool I keep losing my place   
And I keep seeing you walk through that door   
  
"Well, it wouldn't be the first time." she said archly.  
Jon's hand griped her arm, swinging her around to face him. Their eyes met, both angry and hurt. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. They stood on the dais, staring at each other as the silence stretched out between them. Alanna looked him over, noting he hadn't changed in the time she was away. For an instant Alanna thought she had seen him, but all she could see now was the impassive, haughty, self important expression she called his "King face". Even so, he was heart stopping handsome. The winter wind brought color to his cheeks, causing his blue eyes to shine brilliantly. Had she ever seen anyone more beautiful?   
Her anger dissolved suddenly, replaced by sorrow. She knew only to well how trapped one could become by being Royalty. This is Jon, she reminded her self. Her friend, lover, husband, King. She knew him better than anyone else, and she couldn't let him go on in this way. She brought her hand up to cup his cheek. "Where are you, Jon?" she asked. "I know you're in there. You must be."   
His eyes softened somewhat, as did his grip on her arm. "Lady--"  
"Alanna." she said firmly, realizing that she couldn't remember the last time he had called her by her given name. In the months before she left, they had frostily referred to each other as "Lady" or "Lord".   
"Say my name." she demanded softly.  
  
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much   
And its sad when you know its your heart you can't trust   
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are   
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough   
  
He shook her off and backed away, a frown marring his features. Sighing, Alanna folder her arms over her chest. The anger was back, she could see it in his eyes. "You summoned me, Majesty?" she asked softly, ignoring the pain in her chest.   
Jon's eyes narrowed in anger. "I did." He walked to the balcony and surveyed the city. The silence returned. It seemed to stand between anything either of them might say. Alanna watched him in those long minutes, heart aching, mind racing. Part of her wishing he would say something, the other relieved that he was ignoring her as he had the last few years of their marriage. Conflicting thoughts and emotions threatened to bring tears to her eyes. Frustrated, Alanna turned to go.  
"You left me." Jon accused softly.  
Anger surged up to replace Alanna's pain. Why was it always about him? She took a calming breath and turned back to the balcony. "We left each other, Jon."   
  
Now I could never change you   
I don't wanna blame you   
Baby you don't have to take the fall   
Yes I may have hurt you   
But I did not desert you   
Maybe I just wanna have it all   
  
He turned at the sound of his name. "Why didn't you come back?" He asked thickly.  
Alanna looked at him, eyes hard. "I don't know who the woman who rode out of here a year ago was, but she wasn't me. I didn't leave you, Jon. I lost you. I lost me too. I had to go find me again."  
His eyes narrowed dangerously. "You had to go find yourself with George?" he demanded angrily.   
"Is that it?" Alanna hissed, rage humming through her. "Is that really it? Your pride's hurt?" Alanna swung around to leave, hot tears burning her eyes. He hadn't cared that she left after all. Didn't miss her or want her back. All he cared about was that she had been with George.   
"Alanna!"  
  
It makes a sound like thunder   
It makes me feel like rain   
And like a fool who will never see the truth   
I keep thinking something's gonna change   
  
The tone of his voice was the only thing that stopped her. It wasn't a demand, but a plead. Was there pain there? And hurt? And guilt? "What?" she whispered.   
"I….I didn't want to fight."   
She turned on him, trying to rein her temper. "Nor did I."  
The silence again. Alanna wanted to scream in frustration. She knew that, as always, she would have to take the first step. "So. What now?"  
He laughed softly and there was no mistaking the bitterness in it. "Indeed. What now." His gaze was piercing. "Honestly. I don't know." he sighed. "I just don't know."   
  
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much   
And its sad when you know its your heart you can't trust   
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are   
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough   
  
It hurt. It shouldn't have, but it did. Alanna bit down hard on her lip to stop her tears from falling. Why was her love live so complicated? Why couldn't she just make up her mind? What was she expecting? For Jon to sweep her into his arms and off of her feet? Why was it that she was never sure of herself when it came to her heart?   
"Send another summons when ever you figure it out." the words were harsh in her own ears but Alanna didn't care. Turning, she dashed away tears. Her anger threatened to overwhelm her. Anger at him for toying with her this way, angry at herself for letting him.   
"Do you love me?" the words were almost to soft to hear.  
  
And there's no way home   
when it's late at night and you're all alone   
Are there things that you wanted to say   
Do you feel me beside you in your bed   
there beside you where I used to lay   
  
Alanna froze, heart in her throat. Such a simple question. This is what it all came down to, wasn't it? It should be such an easy answer. But it wasn't. Gods help her, it never had been.  
The tears fell unchecked. Why didn't she know what to say? Why should she tell him anything? So he could hurt her all over again? Why did she still feel this way? Why did she still cry over him? And why, why with Jon, her husband, right in front of her, did she still think of laughing hazel eyes?  
"Damn you." she hissed.  
She felt him move to stand behind her, could feel the warmth of his body. Jon turned her around slowly, as if he might break her.   
Silence returned as he watched her, his eyes searching,   
"You do." he said, voice thick with emotion.   
Alanna's eyes narrowed and then closed. "Yes. Damn you." she hissed, tears still falling.   
  
And there's a Danger in Loving somebody too much   
And it's sad when you know its your heart they can't touch.   
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are   
Cause baby sometimes love just ain't enough.   
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough.  
  
He smiled at her, relief in his eyes. "You'll stay, then."   
Her anger returned, hot and furious, at his assumption that everything was fine. Alanna shook him off and walked towards the door. "That doesn't mean I like you." she called over her shoulder. "And it sure as hell doesn't mean I forgive you."  
Jon's smile grew even wider. "Fine. I can live with that. All I want is a chance to make it right between us. All I ask is that you give love a chance."  
If the moment hadn't been so serious, Alanna would have been charmed by that smile. Would have let her anger and hurt go. But she wouldn't. Not this time. One of them had to be honest. She meet his eyes as she opened the door. "I'll try, Jon. Gods help me, but I can't bring myself not to try. But mark me well, Jon: Sometimes love just isn't enough."   
  
All right, all right, all right! I slaved over it and I'm still not pleased with it. Grr…don't hurt me. I just had to get through this to get to the next part…… 


	5. When We Dance

So….chapter 5. Six months after the King summoned Alanna back to the palace, George shows up and it's decision making time for Alanna…

'When We Dance,' by Sting, everything else to Tamara Pierce. 

NOTE: I am not a computer guru. I don't know why I can't figure out this .txt, .html stuff. (It drives me CRAZY when I lose all my formatting!) So:

"Text" = speech

*Text* = Spoken lyrics. You'll get the idea…. 

Yes, yes, I know there are no angels in Tortall, but I didn't think changing 'angles' to 'immortals' would work. Just use your imagination….

From her corner, Alanna watched the courtiers whirl around the great ballroom in time with the minstrels lively tune. This ball, unlike the previous four she'd been forced to attend in the last week, was lively and rather ironic. The room was jammed packed with people, servants, food and drink. People were being turned away at the doors and already, Jon's party was being hailed as the best of the Season. Alanna wasn't surprised, no one had thought to throw a masked ball in years.

Alanna felt good tonight. Masked and disguised as she was, no one had recognized Alanna and she had been left in blessed peace most of the night. Again, Alanna wasn't surprised. After years of masquerading as a boy, Alanna was skilled at hiding what she was when she wanted to. A smile lit her eyes. Jon and Gary had both sworn they would recognize her instantly. Alanna had danced with both of them and each had failed to recognized her. It had been an effort not to laugh as she danced with them. While they were polite to her and thanked her when their dance ended, it was clear that both of the men were looking for Alanna. She hadn't even bothered to magic eyes or hair: the room was filled with red haired, purple eyed women, some of them in armor. 

Tapping her feet in time with the music, Alanna relishedthe feeling of her magnificent satin gown. Of course no one recognized her. None of them would dream that Alanna would willing put such a wonderfully expensive and beautiful dress or choose to masquerade as a fairy princess. Alanna laughed out loud. The irony of this night was just to much for her. While the ball freed her of the chains that bound her to the palace, it brought home the question that she had been struggling with for the last two years. 

"Who am I?" She asked out loud. No one replied, of course. No one was even watching her. There was no Goddess to give her direction, no Coram to guide her on her way, no Faithful to give her advise. It was up to her to answer that question. 

Lost so deeply in her thoughts, Alanna didn't even see the masked man until her was right in front of her, hand touching her elbow. Snapping out of her reverie, Alanna jerked back, eyes flashing. 

There was no question as to who the man, masked as a hawk, was. His laughing eyes and devastating smile gave George away before he said a word. "What a silly question." he said huskily, "You're Alanna." 

She smiled in spite of herself. Laughter bubbled out again, rich and full, causing several people to look there way. She didn't know why he was here, just glad that he was. "George-"

He covered her mouth with one of his large hands. "Hush now." George said, bowing to her. "I've come to ask for a dance. My I have the pleasure, my lady?"

Alanna sank into a courtesy. "With pleaser, my lord."

Hand in hand, they made their way to the floor. The mistrals had started a soft tune, slower but just as moving. George held her closer than was considered proper, but Alanna let him, sure that her disguise would keep her safe for the time. Closing her eyes, Alanna felt the music, letting it fill her as they whirled around the floor. George dipped his head to whisper in her ear.

*If he loved you  
Like I love you  
I would walk away in shame  
I'd move town   
I'd change my name*  
Alanna's eyes swung to meet his, hers confused, his sadly serious. George pulled her closer to him.

*When he watches you  
When he counts to buy your soul  
On your hand his golden rings  
Like he owns a bird that sings*

Alanna's eyes moved to find Jon. He was surrounded by courtiers, speaking into the ear of the newest lady at court, Thayet. Something dangerously close to jealousy hummed though Alanna, but she ignored it, straining to hear what George was whispering to her.   
  
*When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings*

She smiled, heart warming. Was this what it meant to be romanced? Courted? No wonder all the court ladies went on about it. It sure had a way of making a girl feel appreciated.   
  
*The priest has said my soul's salvation   
Is in the balance of the angels  
And underneath the wheels of passion  
I keep the faith in my fashion  
When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings*

He brought her face up so that there eyes would meet. He smiled brilliantly at her, but his eyes remained untouched.  
*I'm still in love with you*

They moved effortlessly together, making the dance look easy, drawing admiring glances from the other couples on the floor.  
*When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings*

"George-"

"Wait." he whispered. "Just wait. I've come with things to tell you, and I mean to say them now."

Staring at him, Alanna choose not to reply. 

He sighed, closing his eyes briefly.  
*If I could break down these walls   
And shout my name at heaven's gate  
I'd take these hands  
And I'd destroy the dark machineries of fate  
Cathedrals are broken  
Heaven's no longer above  
And hellfire's a promise away  
I'd still be saying  
I'm still in love*

His hazel eyes met hers with a truth deep enough to make Alanna shiver in the warm room.   
*He won't love you  
Like I love you  
He won't care for you this way  
He'll mistreat you if you stay*

_He knows, _Alanna realized. It hadn't taken Jon long to fall back into his old habits of ignoring her and taking her for granted. It had been worse since Thayet's arrive. Jon only sought Alanna's company when he had a problem.

Alanna felt George's body tense, and looked up at him. She was shocked at what she saw in there. Fear. George was afraid. Of her. Alanna could see it in his eyes. She had watched him take on four to one odds, smiling the all the while. Her smiling thief had always been so confident and sure of himself. Alanna wasn't sure if she should be relieved or appalled at this show of emotion. 

"Alanna," George's voice was haggard. "All this time, I've willing given everything to you. I've held nothing from you and never asked for anything in return. I love you. I always have, and know that I always will, but I can't live this way. I thought I could, but I can't, so I'm asking something of you now:"   
*Come and live with me  
We'll have children of our own  
I would love you more than life  
If you'll come and be my wife*

Alanna stumbled, but George didn't miss a beat, picking her up with strong arms as if she weighed nothing. She heard him whispereing again.

*When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings*

Alanna had to swallow several times. Her heart thudded painfully in her chest, making her feel light headed. George held her tightly, making sure she didn't fall.

*When we dance, angels will run and hide their wings*

Her throat hurt. Alanna felt tears brim. "I'm married." He smiled, but his eyes were hard

"You know the law, Alanna. An heir is essential. Any royal marriage without and heir after five years can be dissolved. Five years. Tomorrow. Tonight is your last useless evening, Alanna. If you want it."  
*I'm gonna love you more than life  
If you will only be my wife  
I'm gonna love you night and day  
I'm gonna try in every way*

Suddenly, Alanna realized that they had stopped. The song was over. The dance was over. Again, the irony of the night struck Alanna. 

"Alanna!" 

Alanna's head jerked towards the sound of her name. Jon was making his way towards her, a smile of triumph on his lips. "Alanna!"

George moved out of Alanna's arms. Her gaze swung back to him, pulse still jumping. Taking one of her small hands in his, he raised it to his lips.

*I had a dream last night  
I dreamt you were by my side  
Walking with me darlin'  
My heart was filled with pride  
I had a dream last night*

Before Alanna could reply, Jon was with her and George has slipped away, moving easily through the thick crowd. 

"I knew I would recognize you." Jon said. "I'd know you anywhere."

Alanna watched George slip out of the room, feeling the shackles of royalty slamming down hard as the court surrounded her. "Well," she said, voice harsh with emotion. "That makes one of us."

"His Highness had a little help." Gary stated, eyeing his cousin angrily.

"Really, Gary." Alanna replied, eyes on the the door George had left through. "How is that?"

"Theyet…assisted him." 

Shaken out of her thoughts, Alanna looked to see the small Thayet standing close behind Jon. Too close. _Ah, _Alanna thought _That is the way of it, then. _

"I see." Alanna sighed, suddenly feeling much to tired to continue. "Now that the charade is over," she said to Jon, who did not meet her gaze. "I feel I must retire. I have much to do tomorrow."

"I will walk you out." Jon replied politely.

"Nay, Sir." Alanna replied, pasting on her 'Queen Smile'. "Please stay and attend to your guests. Good evening."

Alanna forced herself not to run. A knight does not run, she told herself strictly. Knights do not run from anything. Ever. 

_But they can dance._


	6. Authors Note: Time For Me To Fly

Authors Note: I want to thank everyone for their support and wonderful reviews. Finally back from Iceland (I just love the military) I realized that I hadn't made the fact that Chapter 5 is the last chapter. Why? Because….sniff I just couldn't do it. I am A/G and I STILL couldn't do it. I couldn't choose. How does Tamora Pierce do it?! Sigh…..oh well, I'll leave it to you guys to decide.


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